When marriage stinks!

Sometimes, if we are honest, marriage just stinks! You are not longer feeling love (far from it and it’s been a while!) and you begin to think (or have already thought for quite a while) that getting out of the marriage will be the best thing to do.

Before you catch the next bus out of town, (or push him onto it) take a breath and think.

Marriage vows are for keeps. Think back to your wedding day. {Pause and remember} You were happy. You looking forward to spending the rest of your life with this guy. It was a joyous, wonderful day.

Then reality hit. You began to see the real person you had married, and he, you. The first few years were probably mostly good, but somehow things started to turn sour, and now you have a foot out the door.

Don’t act rashly. This is your husband, whom you are joined together with, in a vow made to God, that is not lightly broken. Despite his short-comings, and yours, you can make this work, but it takes two to want to push through this hard time onto a better marriage.

Don’t check-out. Don’t let your mind dwell on the “grass that is greener on the other side of the fence” and the freedom you suppose is there. Sadly the grass is the same there as it is here. The much-promised freedom is not freedom because you take yourself there, dragging the baggage of a broken marriage wherever you go. Don’t go there. Not even in your thoughts.

Capture your thoughts, and turn them towards making this marriage work. It can work! You may still not like him very much and not “feeling the love” but to quote an old adage “love is not a feeling but an action.” Years ago, I wanted to check out. I had had enough. However, the marriage vow-thing kept me from crossing the threshold and leaving. As I thought about the seriousness of making a vow before God, I also decided I didn’t want to live with my husband as a flatmate. There can be, and is, so much more to marriage than “friends with benefits”, than co-habiting together but essentially leading totally separate and different lives.

So much more. So having decided we weren’t going to live as flatmates, I chose to show love as an action. What is your husband’s love language? How does he really feel loved by you? My husband loves it when I do things for him (acts of service). So… I started by making his lunch for him; at first slapping the sandwiches together, muttering that I am doing this because I love him, and writing love notes (in not-very-loving script!) on his lunch paper. Eventually, the love notes became easier to write because I felt the love (and so did he).

I am not saying this happened overnight or that it was easy or that we didn’t have ups and downs since then BUT what I am saying is that your marriage can be absolutely incredible because you stayed and worked on it.

Here is a man that knows you, has loved you (at least somewhere in the past!) and wants your loving too. Give him a go. Now I know there can be deep-rooted issues and problems that require a lot of work and probably need help from someone outside the marriage. If you go to a counsellor/pastor/older woman, don’t just go thinking the problems are all his. Hello, there are two in this marriage and you both contribute to it’s joys and to it’s sorrows and hardships. It is better to go as a couple and work through things together (at least for most of the sessions). Look at your own life/personality/attitudes that may contributing to this situation (before pointing the finger in the other direction).

There is hope! I strongly encourage you to work through the tough times and you will reap the harvest of a strong marriage later on. Being married to your best friend, who loves, cherishes and protects you and who in return feels safe and secure in your love, is just the best thing.

So don’t leave, or let him leave. Work on your marriage. Show your commitment to the relationship and to him. Marriage doesn’t have to stink, far from it!

 

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