Is that a dress, or did you forget to put your pants on?

Hi Zipporah

I was in town the other day and I saw a girl wearing a “dress” and high heeled sandals, tottering around the shops and it got me thinking about fashion today. The girl in question, or rather the dress in question, resembled a longish t-shirt. It looked like the girl had forgotten to put her jeans on, and she knew it too by the way she kept tugging at the hem to pull in down. Another girl in a fashion store had the skimpiest, see through singlet over her lacy bra. Just gross (and she was serving customers). What was she thinking?!

So much of what we wear is a matter of context and culture, though I am not sure if there would be any context for wearing the above that would be acceptable, except in the red-light district, very late at night. Most young women just know when they are wearing something that isn’t appropriate, or at least the first time they wear it, they know. You see them tugging at the hems of their ‘dresses’ or pulling up their tops, but gradually, wearing these sorts of clothes on a regular basis, hardens them up though. Our hearts are wicked and deceitful above all things and our consciences are quickly seered and our hearts become hard. We enjoy the attention we receive, “it makes me feel more womanly” then justify what we wear to keep wearing it.

However, what we wear (and how we wear it) is a reflection of our heart attitude. It is of no use for me to dictate to you, how short your skirts can be before they are too short or how low your top can be before it is too low. It would be a natural desire to keep pushing those limits. Instead, think about your attitude every time you get dressed. Actually, I have been very pleased with the way you have been dressing while you have been overseas. Hawaii would have been a difficult environment to dress in a way that was cool (in the sense of temperature) and yet covered all the necessary bits, sensibly. 🙂 I particularly liked the photo of you at the beach with the girls from uni and they were all in bikinis and then there was you, at the end, in shorts and singlet. Bikinis are just as if you were wearing your underwear in public for everyone to oogle at. And it’s not just the young guys that do the looking either. Every male on the beach would have looking at those girls bodies. Keep up the good work. I am sure that now that you are in Europe in winter this particular difficulty is not a problem, but what about wandering around the dorm in your pjamas? Just a thought.

So often girls like the attention they receive when they are wearing revealing clothes. Unfortunately, that doesn’t get respect from guys, just lust. Some girls can be blissfully unaware of the effect they have on men by not dressing in a decent manner. Believe me, boys, young men, old men will look and they are trying to connect up the dots/curves etc. It, all too often, gives the message that the girl is cheap and available (even if she had no intention of giving out that message). I had one young lady say to me “that it doesn’t matter what I wear because I already have a boyfriend.” Oh yes, it does matter. Firstly, she is tempting her boyfriend to lust after her by her provocative clothing, along with probably every other male she comes in contact with. She certainly looks more like the ‘world’ than is right or good and people would have difficulty believing she was a Christian.

However, I am not advocating that young ladies should wear a burqa either. I believe that a Christian woman should wear clothing that would be acceptable for a princess to wear. After all, we are daughters of the King of Kings. Clothing that is elegant, stylish, yet  modest, not frumpy or look like you couldn’t care less what you wore.

If you are uncertain whether something is ok or not, appropriate or not, think about whether it would be suitable for a king’s daughter to wear. If the top tends to sag a bit, pop on a scarf or wear a singlet underneath. If the skirt is a bit short, wear black 3/4 tights underneath. Perhaps think about going through your wardrobe with these things in mind and get rid of them. If it is too hot to wear a scarf or singlet, throw the top out, then you aren’t tempted to wear it. Take your mum shopping with you, haha, she’ll tell you what is ok.

Firstly, clothe yourself with the ever lasting beauty that comes from the inside. It is most dissappointing how the flesh sags and wrinkles up and bulges out as you get older (take my word for it) so work on your character and let it shine forth. When all is said and done, a truly beautiful woman is one that radiates peace, serenity, joy, love and care… in other words, Christ’s character. That is the beauty that really lasts.

Context and Culture: There are clothes that you would wear at the beach but not to the mall. There are clothes that you would wear to a bbq that you wouldn’t wear to church. There are clothes that are ok to wear in western countries that definitely would be unwise to wear in eastern or middle-eastern countries. It is a matter of wearing suitable clothing for the context and culture you find yourself in, within reason. This isn’t a license to wear what everyone else is wearing (like on the Hawaii beach) but it is about thinking about dressing in a decent and appropriate clothing.

Remember, work on who you are. Your character, your personality in Christ. That is the beauty that will last and really shine forth.

P.S. Wearing pjamas to the supermarket is never appropriate. (just so you know!)

N.B. A note to Mums who may read this:

(a) Start training your girls at a young age about suitable clothing. Don’t buy into the world’s thinking that a 2-3 girl should look like a mini adult. Keep going when they are 14 and wanting to look like their friends. Refuse to let them out of the house if what they are wearing is inappropriate for the event. Stick to your guns through the tears and the “I don’t have anything else to wear.”

(b) Look at what YOU are wearing. Are your tops a bit low, jeans a bit tight or dresses a bit short? Your daughters will follow your example and then push the envelope further. Women sometimes wonder why their daughters dress a certain way and yet the daughters are just following their mothers.

(c) For as long as your daughters are still living at home, you have the parental right to tell them what they should or shouldn’t wear. Even when Zipporah comes home from uni, I still talk to her about appropriate clothing, on the odd occasion it arises.

(d) Get your daughters to ask their father or big brother whether something is appropriate.

Love the one you’re with

Ladies, grab your husband, hug him, kiss him passionately and tell him how much you love him. Resolve the argument, put aside the differences and LOVE him.

I write this today, after a dear friend, Raewyn, tragically lost her husband in a car accident. He was 63, they had been married for over 35 years. He was fit and healthy and was working on the farm in the morning. After lunch, he drove into town and never arrived. She is absolutely devastated at losing her life-mate.

So often we take our marriage for granted. We slip into a comfortable easiness, where conversation is light and shallow, the passion non-exsistent and  life just passes us by. Or we let arguments and differences remain unresolved, festering under the surface, putting on a public face of happiness when, in reality, all is far from good.

God created marriage. He brought the two of you together, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in sickness, for better for worse, until death do us part. Sometimes, in the poorer, sicker, and worse parts we can lose sight of God’s purpose for bringing us together, but God sovereignly brought you, as a husband and wife, together. For His good purposes and for yours. For your sanctification, for procreation and for your pleasure.

Read Song of Solomon (together is better). It is about marriage. A marriage that is passionate and loving. God wants us to have a marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the church. We can never fully grasp the fullness of Christ’s love for his Church but we can have some idea of the sacrificial love He had for her, and how we are to love Him back, because He loved us first. We need to work on our marriages to make them all that God created it to be.

We do not know how many days, months or years we have left with our husbands. It may be that the Lord calls him home this very afternoon or tomorrow or next year. Treasure your marriage. Today.

What is the role of an elder’s wife? Part Two

Let us look further at this role of elder’s wife. By way of definition, this includes a pastor’s wife. Although her husband is usually employed full-time and there other expectations and additional parts to her role, this article still applies to her.

Here is a comment I received that I think deserves a reply.

A good wee writing only problem I had was this paragraph.”who will love him when he comes home late from yet another meeting, who will never begrudge the time he spends on elder-work but rather sees it as a privilege for him to serve the church in this capacity and will support him through the good, the bad and the ugly. This also means helping the children to understand the high calling it is that Dad has been called to serve the Lord and sometimes Dad may have other thoughts on his mind or he may be tired.” 

Mainly because, If the Church is preventing the Elder from being a husband and Father ,because of “another meeting”. Than there is a problem. 1st calling is to wife,than kids… Church comes a very distant third. If a wife thinks she has to “toughen” up and get through the away all the time elder\Husband because that is what is expected rather than discussing with him the implications of his absence.

To begin with, I totally agree that a man’s wife and family come first before church,(how can a man rule the church if he cannot rule his own household)  but to say that church comes “a very distant third”? I don’t think that the calling of being an elder or pastor is that distant. It is part of an elder’s service to God and because we are bound to our husband in marriage and we are one, this, then, is also part of our service to the Lord. To be an elder is a high calling and one that, as wives, we can help our man tremendously, by first, changing our attitudes to how we view our husband’s time away from home on Church business. Do we begrudge the time he is away, or do we encourage him and praise him for the great work he has undertaken. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband very much, and sometimes he is out way too late at elders meetings. I could sit at home bitterly wishing he was home and berate him for not calling an end to the meeting earlier (he is the Chairman) or I could greet him with a smile, a hug and a hot chamomile tea and seek to “soothe his brow” as the saying goes. It has been my observation that most churches (the elderships are men with families of their own) do try to not have too many meetings. Our churches do demand more of elders than many denominations but I do believe that they do a great job. There will be times in a church’s life, that some very difficult issues arise and extra meetings are called for. These can be very trying times for elders and pastors and their wives. It is at times like these, that wives need to be especially understanding as their husbands carry very heavy burdens of difficult pastoral concerns.

Perhaps if wives made home life and themselves so attractive, men would want to end their meetings early. 🙂 Said a little tongue-in-cheek but take a look at what you can do to make your home and yourself attractive and somewhere they can recharge their batteries, renew their spirits, and be ready to take on whatever is waiting for them outside the four walls of your home.

It is a difficult area, because some meetings do seem to go on and on but I have found that as I have changed my attitude, and seen it as a privilege, and encouraged the children to see it as one too, I have eased my husband’s load.

A husband and father still should not shirk his responsibilities at home and use “church business” as an excuse to do so. He is still the head of the household. He is responsible for the spiritual, emotional and physical well-being of his wife and children. This may require some creative use of his precious time. It will definitely require some sacrifice of everyone but if eldership is seen as a privilege by all, the family will be working together to serve the Lord during this time. It brings about a special bond of togetherness and a sense of striving together for God.

It is not about a wife having to “toughen up” to get through the time the husband is away. It can be a time that can be viewed as a time of rest and refreshment. I often ring my invalid father on Elder meeting nights as my Dad likes to talk, for ages. Doing it then means I am not taking time away from David or the children (the younger ones are in bed). I love writing, painting, reading, craft. I sometimes use the time to do my ironing while I watch Pride and Prejudice (yet again). Lately, as my children have become older, I have used the time to visit other women, have organisational meetings for women’s groups, or catch up with my adult children. I always use it as a time to think about, and pray for my husband and to anticipate his homecoming, so that when he comes home he has my total attention and care.

Our role as an elder’s/pastor’s wife is an important one, often under-rated, unacknowledged and under-valued. Remember, this is part of our walk with the Lord. It is part of learning to serve the Lord, and Christ’s church. It is part of loving our husband and encouraging him to be all that he can be.

What is the role of an elder’s wife? Part One

This very interesting question was asked of me recently. This friend’s husband had been elected as elder and she was wondering what her role now was. She asked another elder, only to be told that her role was to bake a cake for the elder’s meetings when required. But surely, she asked me, there is more to it than just baking a cake once in a while. There are, I believe, a number of things an elder’s wife  (and a pastor’s wife) can and must do. All of them vital and important. Number one on the list is being a suitable helpmeet for an elder. An elder needs a wife that is to going to encourage him when things get tough (and there will be times when things are tough for an elder or pastor), who will love him when he comes home late from yet another meeting, who will never begrudge the time he spends on elder-work but rather sees it as a privilege for him to serve the church in this capacity and will support him through the good, the bad and  the ugly.

This also means helping the children to understand the high calling it is that Dad has been called to, to serve the Lord in this capacity and sometimes Dad may have other thoughts on his mind or he may be tired. Ask the children to join you in prayer for him.

An elder also needs a wife who is utterly trustworthy in what she says to other people. He is likely to have already decided in his mind whether you are trustworthy or not by your past together. Have you talked to others about things in your marriage you shouldn’t have? Have you mocked or laughed at your husband’s faults in public? Have you pulled others down, or slandered them? An elder’s wife needs to the soul of discretion. There will be some issues that he would benefit from your advice, and womanly perspective, and he needs to know it an’t gonna go no further.

An elder also need a wife who is hospitable. One of the qualifications for an elder is to be hospitable. He hardly going to be able to do that if his wife can’t stand having people in her home or she can’t/won’t cook for others. This is one thing that is sadly lacking for many in eldership. It is an ideal vehicle for an elder to get to know families/people in the congregation or to be able to help people who are in need. To know that his wife is willing and able to cook a meal, sometimes at short notice, makes his “job” so much easier. There is something special about sharing a meal, talking around the table with others. Perhaps that is why there are so many examples and verses in the Bible about meals taken together, feasts and commands to be hospitable.

An elder’s wife can greatly help her husband by being his ears and eyes in the congregation. To be a truly Titus 2-older woman. If you are an elder’s wife, by definition, it means you are an “elder” woman. Women are desperately looking for older women whom they can learn from. Guess what? You are IT! It is so helpful if an elder’s wife is able to help other women. Even just being interested in their lives, their children’s progress, their work, helping when they have a baby, crying with them when they have a miscarriage, laughing with them when they laugh, taking a twenty-something out for a coffee. It all helps bring the church closer together. Some women may need counseling. Do this with your husband’s advice and blessing. Be a woman of prayer and godliness. Titus 2 says older women are to be reverent in their lives. This overflows from a close walk with the Lord. Reading His word daily, thinking and meditating on it, and PRAYING. Your “elder” husband needs prayer, encouragement and support. He needs a hospitable, godly wife. So… if this isn’t enough to be going on with, add baking a cake for the elders meetings to the list. 🙂

An Open Letter to my Daughter Zipporah

I am writing this letter to you, not just a chatty family letter, but one where I want you to know my hearts desire for you. As you are currently travelling on the other side of the world and then will return to study away from home, I thought this is a time in your life when I should pass on some of the wisdom that I have had to learn the hard way.

My prayer for you is that you will love the Lord with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul and all your strength. Don’t ever think that family is more important to me than my desire for all my children to love the Lord and follow Him. I am blessed to know that you already love Him and I marvel at how you are becoming the strong woman of God we have prayed that you would become.

I don’t know the plans that the Lord has for you (and don’t ever be tempted to want to know the future. You would probably run a mile. I know I would have if I had known that when I met your father, we would have 7 children, and Dad would become a minister. I would never had dreamed such a future for two sinners such as us, and yet we have blessed so much.) What I do know is that the Lord’s plans are marvelous and wonderful. He doesn’t promise us an easy life, but He does promise to be with us, to never leave us and to be our strength as we face the mundane and the impossible.

The Lord may have chosen you to be single for the rest of your life, to serve Him wholeheartedly in furthering His Kingdom. He may have chosen a path of marriage and maybe the blessing of children. If this is the path that He has chosen for you, I hope that you have a marriage that is as loving and as life-changing as my marriage to your father. I hope that if you blessed with children you will have the wisdom to bring them up in the ways of the Lord, for they will be a blessing to you.

What are you going to do between now and the rest of your life?

Now is a very special time in your life. You have left your younger years, when you were under our direct care and protection and are about to embark on the “rest of your life”. You are on the brink of doing whatever it is that you have been called to do. This is exciting and yet can be more than a little scary. I cannot encourage you enough to seek first the kingdom of God and all things will be added to you. As you pray, read God’s Word, listen the preaching of His Word two things happen. First, you will have His peace and courage and wisdom to carry forward no matter what the circumstance you find yourself in. Second, He will make His will for your life clear. I would never have thought of you doing a Science degree in Marine Biology and yet, here you are. We need more Christian marine biologists, just as we need more Christian midwives, mothers and wives, artists, fashion designers, engineers, mechanics, composers and the list goes on. We need strong Christians in all walks of life.

Being single is a marvellous gift. You are not hampered by another person. You can do what you want to do, without taking another person into account. At Family Camp this year, I travelled up with the 3 younger children while Dad stayed at home, studying. I talked to whom I wanted to, I sat whoever I wanted to at meal times, I roamed around camp doing what I wanted and yet I felt like half of me was missing. When Dad arrived halfway through camp, I felt complete again, but then I spent half my time looking for him or wondering who he wanted to sit with at meal times (or he was taking me off on another walk). I love your Dad but there was a freedom in being “single”. You need to guard against being selfish, thinking only of yourself, but seek to serve others at a time when you are free to do so. Look after yourself, eat well, exercise and be diligent in your work. You need to be self-controlled (NOT to over indulge in our natural desires – like movie watching or eating too much) and self-disciplined (to DO the things we should do – like study and eating healthily). You no longer have us to impose limits and restrictions on you, nor do you have anyone else to do this for you either. It is a time for you to implement these things for yourself. Pray for God’s strength and ability. He will surely grant it to you.

 

Look what I found today. The photo of your very first scuba dive off the Great Barrier Reef. I still remember how excited you were. Who would have thought you would end up studying Marine Biology?

Love,

Mama

The Lord’s glorious plan for Women

In the Christian church today, so many women feel helpless, unloved and uncherished. They are feel that only they are going through problems because everyone else looks like they have it together. This blog is to help Christian women help other Christian women. 

I have denied that I am an older woman (as in Titus 2) because I had young children and I didn’t “feel” old! How wrong could I have been? I believe God is calling Christian women to help and mentor younger Christian women. Younger in the faith and/or age. As we share our lives with other women, encourage them, embolden them, and weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice, we, in turn, by God’s magnificent grace, are encouraged and built up in our faith.

The Lord has put this plan in place for women so that His purposes will be fulfilled and His name will be glorified.